Haven’t been feeling myself this week. I’ve been feeling more stagnant than usual but at the same time anxious and uneasy. It’s the kind of feeling I had before I moved to Toronto. Or rather, before I knew I could move to Toronto. It has to do with the fact that we’ve finally mailed in the applications that will start the second phase of this U.S. immigration thing and now are just waiting for a confirmation that the application was properly filed and thereafter a date for an interview. Again, all of this stuff is now in the hands of the other people and we have no control over that. I have just been ruminating over it more than usual lately, and perhaps overthinking can lead to borderline paranoia.

Even after we get an interview date, there’s a shitload of paperwork that still needs to be done. I’m holding off my trip back to NYC until we get the date so to get all I need to get stateside when I’m there. Pete and I have discussed alternative plans in case the immigration thing doesn’t go as smoothly as we hope, and one of those is being separated again for a period of time. Meaning he’ll stay in Toronto while I move back to NYC for a few months (maybe even more) until he gets the okay to follow. Obviously, we hate the idea but that’s one of the things we may have to do to for this relocation.

I’m unhappy in Toronto. If you’re read my past entries, it’s obvious. As much as I’ve wanted to make a connection to this city, the city my husband was born and raised in and loves, I can’t. Toronto is not me and I’ve tried pretty hard to find the magic in this place, but it’s nowhere to be found. And from day one of moving here, I have had the pains of missing NYC and it hasn’t subsided much. It sounds silly, but to me it’s been serious and emotionally taxing. Yes, I’ve told myself, it shouldn’t matter where you are it’s who you’re with and keep true to yourself, but that’s just it. It’s like I’ve lost a little of what’s made me, me, when I moved here. It’s easy to blame getting older or even being married, but I don’t think it’s that. I’ve felt an awful loneliness and isolation from my peers and community since moving here, and it’s strange because it’s not like Toronto is *that* different from your usual North American city. I just don’t connect with most people here, or the environment, the history, events, Torontonian/Canadian culture, and that makes it hard to relate, interact, and find interests that uniquely interest and motivate me. The only word I can find to sort of describe why I don’t particularly like it here, is “sterile”. Maybe living in NYC for 7+ years has overstimulated me and when you move somewhere else where the volume (literally and figuratively) is turned down more than a few notches – it just doesn’t do it for you anymore.

So because of all that, we made the decision more than a year ago to move back to NYC. If it turns out all of what I’m feeling is purely me being mental, and not living in Toronto, well at least I’ll know and can figure out how else to fix it from there. I’m just fucking lucky that Pete is all for it. I feel so selfish wanting to move back, but Pete admits it involves new and exciting things for him too. We’re both hoping that being in a different environment and culture will give him some motivation and more opportunity to better himself and work harder to make use of all the unique talents he has (one of the many things that made me fall in love with him). He’s lived in Toronto all his life so moving to a different city, and country for that matter, is scary but holds so much promise. I made the same move over 10 years ago when I relocated to NYC from Hawai`i and it was *hands-down* the best decision I’ve made in my LIFE.

So I guess feeling wiggity whack right now is normal when you consider the above. We’re sitting in limbo again unable to make real definte plans to move forward until we get responses from governmental bureaucracy. The U.S. one too, which is more insane than the Canadian one. Yep, just gotta hang in there and distract myself with other things. Why do you think I’ve been playing so much Warcraft?